Fire. Forgiveness. & Forging Forward

21 min readMay 14, 2019

I recall reading James Edwards Mills article, the “Joyful Transfer of Power” in reference to the Emerging Leaders Program (ELP) at SHIFT in the Fall of 2017, specifically the reference to the “inter-generational transfer of power” as former National Park Service Director Jon Jarvis put it; handing the “reins of leadership” in the conservation movement as a “new” dynamic and much more diverse cohort of leaders were visible in the field.

Director Jarvis shared that phrase and story behind it a couple of years before that at a parks and protected spaces gathering at the National Conservation Training Center where the handful (literally there were like 5 of us) of POC in attendance began the conversation that would later become PGM ONE under the leadership of Aparna Rajagopal-Durbin, Sophie Sarkar, and Grace Anderson.

I did not attend the 2017 SHIFT festival or interact with that year’s Emerging Leaders Program as I had previous ones — I was focused on my own transition from Latino Outdoors and supporting our leadership campout where we also invited other leaders in the field to connect and be in community with each other — a goal that was and is still important to me since being in community supports the spaces of trust and relationship that can help us navigate the hard times — that we know the people behind the names, the lives behind the faces.

The “transfer of power” certainly feels less joyful now given outcomes from the 2018 Emerging Leaders Program. If you have the emotional energy, heart space, and intention, I invite you to lean into it and hear as many of the voices and truths that are available, for the hurt is real and changes need to be made to ensure support for individuals that are and feel the most marginalized and disenfranchised in the work we do — those that are not seen, heard, and valued in the ways that are normalized for others. See parts of this story HERE and read the letters HERE.

Still, the transfer is no less crucial and critical. For “the times, they are a-changin.”

And they will continue to do so. The America of 50 years from now will look and be different than that of 50 years ago, and any conservation success cannot rely on the same demographics of before. That is a simple fact.

Processing The SHIFT At Hand.

I began a period of self-reflection and was looking at the ways I end up complicit with the principles of “White Supremacy Culture.” It is not easy. Evaluating oneself and assessing how I experience and see this in peers and spaces we hold tests the space for Ego. But review and reflection is important to model and demonstrate growth. And it includes the privilege I am able to have in taking time to pause and reflect in order to assess my feelings, my thinking, and my behaviors — and how to move forward when I believe we can still accomplish so much around equity and inclusion in the Outdoors, and all the big issues still to address. Not everyone has this privilege. Many in our communities do not feel the luxury to pause, to have a different work schedule, or that they have a community of support to support breathing space.

A process of Reconciliation, as Native-American legal scholar Walter Echo-Hawk lays out, has five parts: “the incident, an apology, the acceptance of an apology, reparations or restitution of some kind, and finally a state of reconciliation. Many people are afraid of the reparations/restitution component.”

I think at times some of us are afraid of all five parts, and even the love that someone is willing to bring into that space in general.

The “incident” is hard as feelings shape thinking which then express as behaviors. Each of those requires noticing. To see if who you are in each of those phases is you, who you want to be you. This is not just a zen or spiritual practice, it is also the work behind cognitive therapy and psychology to help view and interrupt hurtful behaviors on ourselves and others.

You only get to be you, and who you wish to or aspire to be, when you pause — and notice. When you center, when you ground in your values. For when you are caught in the cycle, and especially the feelings, those are not the spaces in which one learns and grows — and it’s exhausting. And if growth and learning is an intention, then we must recognize and see this.

To note, this is not to state that feelings are not real, that you can’t feel, and they should be ignored. They are very real, felt, and nothing to apologize for — we are still oh so very human. The question again is to see if that is who we want to be in relation to self and others.

This is hard because we can be in our feels and not acknowledge the courage and gratitude that it takes to show our feelings, our vulnerability, and what can be framed as not our best selves. Where feelings and ego drive thoughts and actions is where we express confusion, defensiveness, helplessness, frustration, anger, and so forth.

In these feelings it is also where we can look at the ways we can express compassion and humility for ourselves and others — -as reminders and guidelines for growth and learning. Humility includes acknowledging “I don’t know” and a reflection of what we are offering, which can include anything ranging from defensiveness, weaponizing, and harm, as well as building bridges and evolving our consciousness.

Gift of Feedback.

One such example is what happens when we give and receive feedback.

I mention this because the letters in the SHIFT incident are a gift. Feedback is a gift, regardless of the form in which it is received. It is a gift offered of time, emotional labor, vulnerability, and more. Here one can say “Thank you for raising the level of consciousness.” It is important to express gratitude for the feedback, as it is important to note that this is different from if and how you choose to accept the feedback for learning and improving.

Receiving feedback likewise takes pause and intention, and a noticing again.

Here I think about “How do we offer each other what we may not have?” “How do I hold space for myself and others?” “What comes out when I am squeezed?”

This part is interesting as a couple of things, I think, come into play.

First the idea of “should” — which is one of the most toxic words we put on ourselves and others. “Who says you SHOULD” my therapist once asked as I was licking my wounds from a breakup. And recently, a professional peer reminded me of how even with the best of intention, without awareness, we end up “shoulding” on each other. Yes, hold that pun for a moment….

This is where I catch myself about how I “should” be woke enough, if I “should” “fix” things, if I “should” respond in a certain way — and how someone is “shoulding” me or I them.

Second, I pause to think about the idea that if you internalize how someone feels, it will exhaust you. Close friends and peers remind me of this when I get stuck in my empathy. That is a space I hold, as I pour energy into the space and others — and I get a text along the lines of “Bro, you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings…” and I sit with that a bit.

Next, I think about the transparency I choose to hold, to model and practice that which I did not see or receive. How not just to be “broken” but to be “broken open” as I toe the line between Ego saying “look at me” and “I will end you” and me being at Cause while saying “In service of community, how can I share growth and learning? How can I model and practice for others who seek the same?” For there will be mistakes, I will be wrong, I will not “get it right,” and I cannot guarantee a “safe space” — -but I can work on providing a “brave space” for this work.

It is here where I also look at my process of Othering and Belonging, and my role in that. Do I vibrate at the level I want. Do I engage at the level I want? Am I confirming the fears of others? Am I Othering from fear? From Ego? Am I providing a space of Belonging regardless of Ego and feelings? Is my friendship and love being conditional?

This is where I process for myself the ideas of Ways of Being, Ways of Knowing, and Ways of Doing, asking myself guiding questions such as:

How are you feeling? — can you name the feelings and sit with them?
How are you needing? — do you need something and can you name it?
How are you hearing? — Are you in a place of listening or what is filtering that? With what are you present?

See, I have this idea that it’s easy to “break stuff.” I can take a cup and smash it on the floor. That is a relatively simple act. Now, to pick up the pieces and say “put it back together” or “build something new, different, useful from the pieces” is a different task — the act of creation. And for that I need to be in a place of learning and growth, of intentional piecing. And it includes looking at what I am choosing to break beforehand as well.

This isn’t me trying to get stuck in the academic task of deconstruction. I am genuinely interested in how do we create the spaces we need, since we clearly need them, and it does no good to simply talk about them.

An Apology.

Just as feedback is an offering, so is an apology.

Here is one I offer to my BIPOC/LGBTQIA peers, colleagues, and friends: I am sorry and I apologize. For a lack of clarity in how and where I stand. For being complicit in some of these systems. For missing the ways in which I think as marginalized identities we still hurt each other.

I do see you.

I wish I could simply prove that in full congruence all the time. Unfortunately I do not live in that world yet and I have made choices that will not align fully with where you are, what you need, and what I can offer. I know I will have impact that you will see, feel, and experience differently than me. I will strive to do my best to continue to own my impact in that regards, because I know it’s not a matter of if, but when, I will make another mistake. We cannot avoid insulting, triggering, or hurting another. As I noted, I cannot guarantee a safe space but I will strive for a courageous space and goal alignment.

And this is where the wells of trust and relationship, built on spending time with each other, come into play to provide any slack in the tension when things are tight.

Because a project will fail, and I have failed people as the harder work of systemic change is hard, from day one — I wish it could be changed as easy as desire aspires.

In this work, which includes incidents like the Emerging Leaders Program at SHIFT:

I have failed women of color, especially those most hurt.
I have failed those of you afraid to speak for fear of being and feeling bullied.
I have failed those of you unprepared while asking for leadership and support.
I have failed those of you manipulated by toxicity regardless of the source and identity.
I have failed those of you as observers, watching and wondering.

That is a fact of this work and life.

I will address harm from SHIFT with individuals in conversation, and the learnings of it in open community discourse, but not in a display over as space such as social media, that were not necessarily built for the type of community building we often need.

I also know it doesn’t stop with failure, for that is only a starting point for learning and growth. I choose to model that which I seek, the forgiveness, love, and openness I am looking for in the quest for justice. To honor and celebrate the work and spaces we have created, to honor individuals with whom we’ve shared agreements on how our different tactics can work together. To honor those who are paralyzed or afraid of making mistakes.

Because without that learning and growth, especially into the “sharp spaces” then failure in itself is useless. As Marie Anne Brown notes: if the only learning is “people do bad things then we are wasting our time.” And also “Never a failure, always a lesson.”

I am interested in how we learn, forgive, and do better. I am also interested in how we draw strength and courage from facing fear, for as Brown also notes “We are still Beginning.”

Because see, I will not always agree with you. I will not use your tactics. So what do we do if the only resolution from that is canceling each other? “Who shows up for the revolution after that?”

Dr. Carolyn Finney reminded me: I can sit with the fear of White people not liking or accepting me. It still needs to be addressed for there is a lot to unpack there. But a different fear is one of losing your community. What if you are left by them? How do you face that fear?

Sitting with that has helped me look at what my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors “When Things Fall Apart.”

Fire.

This takes me back to metaphor of FIRE, which I have written about HERE, and what can be responsible fire keeping and fire tending in reciprocity.

In Braiding Sweetgrass, Dr. Robin Wall Kimmerer, further shares lessons and learnings about fire.

First, recognizing two sides to fires, that of creation and that of destruction. They are both there.

Second, that there are four types of fires:

First, the fire which you make, with utility, to cook, keep warm “keep the coyotes away.”
Second, the “Thunderbird fire” that came from lighting strikes, but it’s also the fire that shapes the land. It can be highly destructive but it is also the fire that nature needs.
Third, the Sacred Fire, that of Ceremony and Prayer, used for healing and in sweat lodges — a symbol of life and spirit.
Fourth, the hardest fire to care for, the fire in the Heart, where YOU are the firekeeper.

I think it may be easy to confuse them or think we are honoring one in service when it may be in impact as another. To think we are leading with fire of the heart and creation but we may be leading with the fire of utility or destruction.

I do believe in the power of fire.

And I think about what being a responsible fire steward is — to act with power. But it doesn’t necessarily mean acting with force, but with influence, for fire is powerful and is meant to be honored and respected.

At my feet, I think about how I have reacted to fire. If it is with fear and anger, then I want it to stop. Or pause and reconsider, that it will not find a home here in a way that burns it all down. But more accurate is that I want fear and anger to know that I choose how they are tools, not drivers. I am also not here to devalue the role of anger or to invalidate fear. I am reminded of an interview on Iconoclast between Dr. Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle, where Dave asks Maya about being angry. To which Maya replies:

“If you’re not angry, you’re either a stone, or you’re too sick to be angry. You should be angry. Now mind you, there’s a difference. You must not be bitter. Now let me show you why. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger, yes, you write it, you paint it, you dance it, you march it, you vote it, you do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”

That is how I want to be responsible as a fire steward — which I think is an important distinction from “burn it all down.”

Because I’ll still make decisions and they will have impact. I will use fire and respond to fire. I want to spark, or at least provide the kindling for the sacred fire.

I was reading how sometimes one may feel like one can hate to make decisions if any decision seems to plunge the community into conflict or marginalization while it looks like one is ratifying the hurt. That it may be easier to opt out because someone may end up burned. I am also reminded of the privilege of opting out and how some do not have that.

I admit that I cannot be responsible for how others have wielded fire in what I believe is an irresponsible manner. I can, however, accept responsibility for how it may burn those in my care, and my inaction or inability to steward it responsibly or respond to it appropriately as well. When it comes to the SHIFT ELP incident, that is another fire at hand, and one I do not doubt will be the last in the Outdoor industry. I know the response is inadequate to many, but my concern has been for many who have been burning in silence as I notice who is stoking flames and for what reasons. As with many things, it requires critical thinking, observation, noticing, and evaluation of intentions — -something I feel is often lacking in enough quantity from these spaces. And it is not the only fire at hand — we face these as well in many other sectors and spaces such as academia and policy. I’m happy to share those stories for another day.

Still, I can also take responsibility for healing forward and modeling that.

That word: healing.

I know it’s easy to use or throw around. But it does have meaning and power to me. It possesses a reminder for an intention and suite of tools that is available to tend to the burns, learn, and ultimately in my opinion create a stronger movement. A question of: how do we move forward and why?

The Shift Ahead.

I know one of the easiest ways to think about this is in terms of SOLUTIONS. To me this comes coupled with a question: what ARE your solutions and how do you offer them into the space?

This is also not meant to rush into solutions if we are stuck in feelings and thoughts. If we need venting, if we simply want to be heard. If we need to first bond over trauma. Those are different spaces, and they can be spaces where no one wants to hear about or feel rushed into “solutions.”

What I mean is if we have an agreement about moving forward, or a preference for staying where we are.

For this I think of three things: Guiding Questions, Strategy & Tactics, and Agreements.

For me some of the questions I face in this are:

Does holding each other accountable mean punishment?
Do we miss opportunities to model and practice in place of telling and punishing?
Are we acting out of love for ourselves and our communities, or out of fear and pain?
What is this in service of? Is Ego playing a role?
Where did these tools come from?
Am I forcing accountability at the expense of ensuring responsibility?
And ultimately, for me, a deeper question is: Am I inviting healing?

This is important to me given that we already have enough hurt in the world — so many us already come wounded and thus, as Dr. Cornel West states, “do you want to be wounded hurter or a wounded healer? Choosing to be a wounded healer is always difficult, but it is spiritually mature, morally correct, and in the end the most rewarding.”

Forgiveness & Healing.

I believe we can heal each other. And that takes time. Much more time and ability than it takes to hurt.

We will hurt each other in our lifetimes, as we will make mistakes — to believe otherwise is to fall into the trap and fallacy of perfectionism. So how do we respond in those moments?

This is hard and important because as Maisha Z. Johnson notes:

“In many ways, holding each other accountable has come to mean punishing each other. Sometimes it feels like we’re all competing on a hardcore game show, trying to knock each other down to be crowned the movement’s Best Activist.”

Because I get it, what do you have at hand when you feel the system has let you down? When the system is not good enough and problematic? Instead in some belief that due process cannot exist we look to voice our grievance through what others see as vigilante or bullying tactics. And what is offered as any other alternatives? It makes sense for both sides in such a situation to feel justified — — and I can’t blame them if I saw myself in that situation.

But I am working, I want to work, on seeing differently. And what is the space we are willing to hold for reform and redemption — at minimum to acknowledge if that is something we want at all.

I think of how we can call for prison reform and justly point out the injustice of an incarceration system that targets black and brown bodies — and perhaps ignore how we incarcerate our hearts and minds and not offer that in kind to each other. How canceling each other is a form of incarceration.

In this context, what is the social contract to which we are agreeing? Or violating? And how do we share that with each other? And forgive?

“Do not expose others to harm to which you are unwilling to expose yourself” Dan Melo writes.

Do we take that into account when we expose others to harm to which we are unwilling to expose ourselves?

I know, I know, systemic inequity which gives differing power and privilege positionality makes it easy to say “well, why offer compassion or forgiveness to the oppressor if they did not learn to offer it?”

Well, yes, we do not have to — if it comes with the belief that they should suffer as we have.

And thus we succeed in casting out another wounded hurter with no less the privilege they had to start with. Thus, how do we actually provide the opportunity to change?

Here I look back at values.

Values are the anchors, stars, and guideposts of our way making and wayfinding in this world, particularly when we may feel more lost.

I had chosen these values for myself, which I will continue to reflect on and evaluate:

Love, with expressions of kindness and compassion
Justice, in service of Healing
Peace, with expressions of Harmony and Balance
Creativity, with appreciation for expanded visions of Beauty
Integrity with a focus on Alignment
Curiosity, valuing Learning and Difference
Understanding, with an intention for Acceptance and Play

These values help me understand why I feel uneasy in some spaces — and why I work against responding in anger, while assessing where I am also responding from hurt. They also help me understand what brings me joy and where I may misalign with someone. If that gets in the way of us doing collective work, I am sorry but our work together will be limited. If it does not get in the way, given that we have larger common goals and overlapping values, I welcome the opportunity to effect change together.

For where do we draw our morals from and what do we model? I mean this as actual question, as the models I did have to emulate growing up would have taken me on a very different path that I am now. This is not easy, as we assess questions of dignity, honor, victimhood, of what’s right and wrong, and what is collective liberation in solidarity. Values matter here.

Forging Forward.

In terms of Strategy and Tactics this is how I stand right now:

I cannot agree to a variety of tactics currently used. They are out of alignment for me. I can say that while also standing for the people, for it is not binary to me. We often espouse spectrum thinking but end up with binary ultimatums. This is my choice. I will not choose to be part of a movement that does not couple accountability with reform and redemption.
I will make mistakes. It is only a matter of time. I believe we all will, for we are flawed people, not abstractions. I am curious how we agree to support each other through such mistakes, or cancel ourselves out.
I will continue to work on my responsibility of impact I have with individuals, but I will be attentive to not “should” on each other — I believe in discourse.
My invitation to have this as open discourse and conversations still stands. I know we can have the privilege to engage in this, and if we do, then I believe it is imperative we do, for others do not, and ultimately they are ones who pay more dearly for this. I say this not with intent of “tone policing” or “civility politics” — we can have those conversations too.

I will be returning to a review of Network Leadership and the Jemez Principles, of which I wrote HERE.

Which leads me to Agreements and what I will be working with others on to see where we still have alignment to do this work. What are our Agreements for working together? That ensure a level of understood and agreed upon success, that allows for us to be seen and valued as who we are, and that help us in healing harms, in reconciliation?

For if Commandments in this work and space are ones like:

Thou Shall be Deemed Treasonous Upon A Mistake of Our Disapproval
Friendship, Allyship, and Love Are Conditional Upon Our Approval
There is only ONE way to Demonstrate Solidarity

Then I would like to invite a conversation, a gathering for us to discuss these. For if this is the the dogma, the religion, then I’m okay being “excommunicated from the church of social justice.”

But if they include ideas such as:

Soft on the people
Hard on the problem
Focused on the goals
Flexible on the process

And:

How we’re going to get some stuff done
How we ground in our compassionate humanity while engaging difference for systemic change
How we heal harm and handle agreement breaches
How we acknowledge what supports learning while acknowledging the role of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors
What solidarity can look like with a process of reconciliation in a multi-pronged movement

Then I think we have a variety of respective tools we all bring to the table at hand to make this happen. We have a chance. With more at the table.

Further Thoughts.

I am not here to simply call out “Call out culture” because I know it has existed as a tool for specific reasons. That is not what I am debating. I simply want to continue to be wary of how all problems are nails if you predominately approach them as a hammer — and I do want it to be understood and then be clear in why we make choices around them and not be limited by them, especially if they are still steeped in hurt and trauma.

Because is that a new debate? No, not really. But it can be in the Outdoors space and many of us may need reminders. I know I do. And this is the work, life work beyond social media campaigns. I also am not intending this to be a call out to anyone specifically. If you feel it is so, I offer that as a point of reflection.

Thus I will keep coming back to questions I ask myself. Questions such as:

What is actually keeping me here? What is the value?
What is my role in this space?
Am I perpetuating harm regardless?
Am I stubbornly looking for solutions when they are not ready?
Have I taken the time needed to heal? I’m no good to the community broken.

I hope others reflect in similar ways. Not because I believe we “should” simply share similar thoughts. But if you ask for visibility of leadership, then accepting these positions come with a cost and responsibility, for what is the point of holding court without responsibility to the kingdom?

I am trying to hold a “middle” and I know there are places where a middle does not want to hold or need to. But where it does, there I will be, because I am not talking about false equivalence middles, but rather one where borders lay and the more we try to create binary sharp borders, the less we remember how nature sees borders. There is also still much to relearn and remember from studying ancient and ancestral wisdom in combination with modern learning such as lessons from cognitive behavioral therapy. There are lessons in environmental psychology, the constructs of social media, and more.

I am sharing all of this because I have been asked, some of you like to hear how I think, and I want to continue to evaluate my role in all of this. If you also do not feel I’ve been doing the work, then I think it’s an opportunity for conversation and reflection — for this is not the end of this. I think about that every day — I wasn’t even sure how much of this I wanted to write and share…

And yes, I focus on positive movement and alignment, it is a vision of how I see the world. As I will continue to work on respecting how others are unapologetic in the way they hold themselves up, so will I for myself.

I will not apologize for being me.

Now, if that is the main takeaway for you from this piece, I invite you to read or re-read the piece gain.

Gracias.

With thanks to all the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual labor that BIPOC/LGBTQIA gente, allies, and accomplices pour into this space and into this gathering of thoughts in article form.

You know who you are, and I hope you know you all grace me with your love.

Readings and Sources:

Fire. Forgiveness. & Forging Forward

Written by José G. González

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